Hello, Shameless Leaders. Today, we're going to talk about the myth of filling your cup.
One of the things we hear a lot—especially as women, especially as women leaders, who tend to be caretakers and people who are constantly giving, doing, and upholding everything for everyone—is the phrase: "You can't pour from an empty cup."
I want to talk about this long-standing narrative.
With this idea comes the belief that women should practice filling their cups so they have something in their proverbial cup to pour out and share with others—whether in the form of time, energy, love, or care. But what does this narrative actually reinforce?
This notion—that women should take care of themselves only to become better caretakers of others—is troubling. We already receive this messaging in so many ways. We are conditioned to be caretakers. We are conditioned to be self-sacrificial. We are conditioned to put others ahead of ourselves.
There’s incredible research in the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, two phenomenal sisters, who talk about this concept as Human Giver Syndrome. They explain how women are conditioned to give and give and give, ultimately leading to burnout.
So when we hear the phrase: “You can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure you fill your cup so that you can then pour into others’ cups,” it continues this problematic cycle.
The Problem With This Narrative
The issue with this mindset is that it perpetuates the belief that we should always put others’ needs above our own—that self-sacrifice is expected, that we should be martyrs every damn day.
Yes, from a logical standpoint, it makes sense that if I have nothing left to give, I can’t give. But when we tell women that the sole reason to fill their cups is so they can continue giving to others, we are reinforcing a toxic pattern.
And that’s not the message we need.
We already overdo this.
We deserve to fill our cups simply for the sake of having a full cup.
You don’t need to fill your cup so you can give to others. You deserve to have a full cup that is entirely yours. You don’t have to share anything from that cup unless you choose to.
Leadership and the Full Cup Concept
This gets complicated when we think about leadership. As leaders, our role does involve guiding, cultivating, and developing others. We help people grow, meet their potential, and expand their skills.
But that does not mean we are any less deserving of having a full cup just for ourselves.
Where this narrative gets dangerous is in how it reinforces already over-taxing systems. It reinforces self-sacrifice, the idea that women should always put others first, and the belief that caretaking is a woman’s primary role.
Now, is there anything wrong with being a caretaker? No.
There is nothing inherently wrong with occasionally giving more to others—especially when someone needs extra support in a moment of crisis.
But when this becomes an everyday expectation, across every role in our lives—personally and professionally—over decades and across countless circumstances, that’s when it becomes a serious problem.
And it comes with huge costs:
- Physical health
- Mental well-being
- Career advancement
When we are always focused on filling other people’s cups first, we end up prioritizing their goals over our own.
Real-Life Leadership Implications
I see this play out in my coaching calls with women leaders.
Many of them want to advance their careers or have already stepped into leadership roles. But now, in these new opportunities, they find themselves over-giving:
- They struggle to say no.
- They maintain poor boundaries in the workplace.
- They constantly cover for others.
- They overextend themselves to help others meet their goals, while their own goals fall to the back burner.
And that is the opposite of advancing your leadership.
So I want you to consider: What if you filled your cup only for the sake of filling your own cup?
What if you stopped thinking, "I need to rest, work out, or practice self-care so I can show up better for others”—and instead, just did those things for yourself?
A Personal Story
Last week, I was debating whether I should work out before an early morning training.
I always work out in the mornings—I love it, and I’ve been doing it for years. I initially thought: If I work out, I’ll have more energy, I’ll be fired up for the training, and I’ll deliver a better session.
But then, I challenged that thought.
What if I just worked out to clear my own head? What if I did it just for myself—without any ulterior motive related to performance or productivity?
I chose to do the workout for me.
Ironically, during that workout, a song came on that inspired a completely new idea for my training session—even though I wasn’t trying to think about it.
That’s the magic of truly filling your cup.
When you take care of yourself for the sake of yourself, you end up showing up as the best version of you—not through self-sacrifice, but through natural abundance.
The Leadership Shift: Letting Others Pour from Their Own Cups
I want you to reflect on something:
When you constantly pour from your cup, are you preventing others from pouring from theirs?
Who are you rescuing from stepping up?
Sometimes, when we overextend ourselves, we rob others of opportunities to:
- Build new skills
- Step into their own leadership
- Develop resilience
When you pull back, it forces others to step up—and they often benefit from that experience.
Your Homework
In the next few days, ask yourself:
- What can I do just for me?
- How can I open my schedule to create space for myself?
- How can I practice saying no?
And when someone says, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” I invite you to challenge that narrative. Call them in. Rewrite the story.
Because you deserve a full cup. Period.
Final Thoughts
Thank you for being here today.
If you're interested in my speaking, training, or executive coaching services, visit saradean.com.
I see you. I hear you. And I am holding space for you today and every single day.
